Currently Listening Café del Mar, Vol. 5 By Various Artists see related

.this is shit.

.this is the worst friday ever.

.i fucking can't believe josch. i can't even believe him. and i'm in the worst mood ever.

.and seth...god i want to cry. i was such a bitch to him. such a fucking bitch.

.i don't want this anymore.

.i want to go back to exeter. i want my parents to fuck off.

.i want hassan to fuck off. and my sisters. for godsake.

.i want to be responsible and go to work so i can get paid.

.i want to not be here. i want to be in exeter. where i belong.

.i'm so fucking pissed about tonight. so pissed.

.josch basically didn't even want to fucking see me. what the fuck.

Currently Listening American IV: The Man Comes Around By Johnny Cash see related

.so mel can't come see me this week.

.i still haven't gotten permission to boston so i probably can't do that without pissing off my parents.

.spring break is going to be a total shambles.

.so is prom because i have no date, no dress, no nothing.

.i spent all last week sick it sucked ass. hardcore.

.seth and i are flirting like we're about to die and there's no tomorrow. i don't fucking care.

.josch and i aren't dating but he's beautiful and i want to kiss him so fucking badly but i think he's only chill with me as a friend.

.we went up to the lake to daniels house on friday and then dad flipped out and made me come home in the middle of the night and took my phone and computer away until today, still don't have my phone.

.what the fuck i want to to go to boston so fucking badly. how come plans are always so fucked up. this is unfair.

.hassan's home for spring break for another week. whatever. it's not like we do anything.

.what the fuck. i just want a fuckbuddy.

.coco is dating some ugly chick named kelly. what the fuck. life is such a joke. i got conditionally into u. of edinburgh...it'd be cool to go there.

.10 more days until  ifind out where in the US if anywhere i got in. i am so scared of college...actually just not getting in anywhere really.

.i met jess today, seth's girlfriend. she's ugly. whatever.

.i don't fucking know. i'm so fucked up and all i want to do is party with josch and be his girlfriend and FUCK SHIT UP SO BADLY.i was so high on friday when i got home. man. it was fucked up shit.

.whatever. fucking lame. why does seth use the same songs on every fuckin girl? that pisses me off.

Currently Listening Is a Real Boy By Say Anything wow i can get sexual too! see related

..i just spent the entire weekend puking my internal organs out.

.and it didn't feel good.

.i just want this week to be better.

.i really miss exeter.

.i really miss bobby. and i wish he wasn't with someone else.

.i really miss seth.and i hate seeing him with someone else.

.but i'll give him his space. until she's gone. until then all i can do is be his friend.

Currently Listening The Love of Life By Watashi Wa see related

.i have officially been diagnosed with bipolar disorder or whatever the noun form of that is.

.i guess i'm officially crazy.

.i refused to take the pills they are telling me i should consider taking and i refuse to see a psychiatrist, even though they say that's a bad idea. i don't care.

.maybe it's normal to have a disorder, since the majority of my generation is dubbed crazy in some form or fashion. i don't care.

.i have 2 dates this weekend, my brother is coming home tomorrow, my sister this weekend, and i am working saturday and sunday until 5:15.

.i guess both guys are ok. i'm interested in 1, but the other is a good friend and i felt obliged to not just say no flat out.

.problem is i still hurt. there isn't anybody to fix this. no number of dates, no number of boys can fix this. and i just can't do it.

.i mean it's all well and good to go out on dates, but when you're thinking about someone else all the time, it gets hard.

.i miss bobby so much. i miss not having to worry about what he might think, because he didn't care ever. he just loved me for me. even when i looked like shit and had 3-week bed head. he really loved me.

.i'm tired of tip-toeing around trying to look perfect and be perfect for every person i meet. that's not how love is. love is not having to worry because the guy is coming over and you look and feel like shit. love is letting him see you at 5 in the morning without brushing your teeth or showering. it's letting that person see all your bad habits and still having them want to be with you because of all those cute little bad habits.

.i guess i let love go when i had it perfect. and it is my fault this time. and that's sad.

Currently Listening Cracked Rear View By Hootie & The Blowfish Innocence see related

.i worked 18 hours this weekend, because i really didn't want to do anything else.

.all i did was think about seth, and him being with someone else.

.and how much i am hurting inside.

.and how much i really need to believe in God right now, because there isn't anything in this world for me.

.and i came home saturday and broke down and cried so hard.

.mom is making me go to the hospital tomorrow again.

.she thinks i need to get medication. she doesn't understand. i don't want to be part of a stupid prozac nation.

.i just want to be his friend and be the one that is there for him.

.he only likes her because she is brand new and because she is in college.

.last time i checked, those who love us don't lie to us, cheat on us, hurt us, and stop speaking to us just because college came up and they were afraid of saying goodbye.

.last time i checked friends didn't do that either. last time i checked it wasn't supposed to hurt this bad when you didn't give a shit.

.bobby told sam he loves her.

.i'm living for nothing right now. for nothing.

.and i am hurting so badly. and not just because of boys or relationships or anything.

.just because. of me. of people. of how the world is. i don't know. i don't know anymore. i never did.